Some English Jokes..

•  A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!" The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?" "Two years," says the man. "Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink. The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."

• A guy goes to the doctor and says, "Hello, I would like to be castrated." "That's a lifechanging operation," says the doctor. "Are you sure you want to do it?" "yes," says the man. "and if you refuse I'll go to another doctor." "OK," says the doctor, "but it's against my advice." So the man has his operation and he's walking around the hospital the next day with a bandage around his private area. Suddenly, he sees another man with the same thing. So he walks up to him and says, "Good afternoon, I see we got the same operation." "Yes," says the other man, looking happy. "I've been wanting to get circumsized for 37 years, and I've finally done it." The first man looks panicked and says, "Shit!! That's the word!

• As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

• John Kerry meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?" "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Kerry frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?" Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?" The Queen smiles, "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," says the Queen. Kerry goes back home to ask John Edwards, his vice presidential choice the same question. "John. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," says John Edwards. "Let me get back to you on that one." Edwards goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Edwards shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!" Edwards smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, Edwards goes back to speak with Kerry. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell." Kerry gets up, stomps over to John Edwards, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

• A class teacher of primary,one day braught a camera along with her to have some group photos of the childeren.One student asked "Mam why did you braught that camera?"the teacher exclaimed "to have our some group photos,so that,and when you people grown up these photos will make you to recall your childhood,and you will show it to your friends or relatives that see this is Martin he is now a Lawer and this is Rick he is a doctor now and this is Maria and she is a Journalist now",certainly a voice came forward from the back and "this is our class teacher she is dead now."

• A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, little Santa Singh stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Santa?" > "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

• What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe through that thing?

• mummy is god a girl ora boy? mummy: why god is both girl and boy little boy: mummy is god black or white? mummy: why god is both black and white little boy: mummy is god gay or strait? mummy: why god is both gay and strait little boy: mummy is god Michael Jackson?

• A girl asked, why cow seems depressed when being milked? Teacher: if every morning they rub yours for 30 minutes and don't f**k u, u will feel the same

• Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter.... First Woman : "My dog is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me. Second Woman : "I know..." First Woman : "How?" Second Woman : "My dog told me."